You might have lent them money, offered your couch as a refuge, and even pleaded with them to change their ways. Perhaps there was a moment of desperation when you even bought drugs for them, believing that it would persuade them to seek treatment.
In your heart, you recognize that you’re enabling their addiction, but it feels like there are no other options. Your love for this person keeps you up at night, consumed by worry about their safety. The fear of something terrible happening to them haunts you.
And so, you continue the cycle of giving, all while harboring resentment and disdain for the predicament you find yourself in. But how can you break free from this cycle? How can you offer love and support without inadvertently enabling their destructive behavior?
Understanding Enabling
Enabling might seem like a straightforward concept, but it can be deceptively complex. Often, you might be engaging in enabling behaviors without even realizing it. Drawing a clear line between providing support and enabling can be challenging, yet it’s a crucial distinction to grasp.
Enabling, in essence, occurs when your actions hinder someone from facing the real consequences of their behavior. It involves shielding, protecting, or minimizing the gravity of their destructive choices.
There are numerous examples of enabling, some of which include:
– Keeping secrets about the addict’s behavior to avoid confrontations or maintain peace.
– Financially or legally bailing out the addict.
– Blaming others, such as partners, friends, or employers, for the addict’s behavior or addiction itself.
– Attempting to control the addict’s actions.
– Making empty threats or ultimatums without following through.
– Taking on a caretaking role for the addict.
– Ignoring troubling behaviors, denying the issue, or downplaying its effects.
– Prioritizing the addict’s needs above those of anyone else.
– Blaming external circumstances for the addict’s behavior.
“Undoubtedly, you worry about how the consequences of addiction will affect your loved one. This concern may lead you to deny, rationalize, or create excuses for their actions. It may also drive you to “fix” problems to shield your loved one from additional stressors.”
Why People Enable Addicts
In most cases, enabling arises from a place of love. The profound affection and concern you feel for the addict can drive you to extreme measures to “improve” their situation. Regrettably, love alone cannot conquer addiction. Those grappling with addiction must assume responsibility for their choices and actively seek help; no one else can do the work for them.
Fear also plays a significant role in enabling. You worry that if you don’t take care of your loved one, something disastrous might occur. For instance, a compassionate mother may open her home to her child, believing it’s a safer alternative to living on the streets. This gesture is entirely understandable.
However, the addict may exploit her generosity, continuing to use drugs within the family home. They may also resort to lies and theft to sustain their drug habit. Is this fair to the mother? Is her well-intentioned offer truly helping or inadvertently harming her child?
Moreover, many loved ones attempt to shield addicts from experiencing pain, fearing that it might provide excuses for further drug use. While this concern has some validity, efforts to prevent pain often backfire. Addicts quickly learn how to manipulate those around them to satisfy their desires, rather than being motivated to change their behavior.
How to Cease Enabling
Enabling, akin to drug addiction itself, can become an ingrained and detrimental habit. Loved ones may become addicted to the addict’s addiction, sacrificing their mental well-being and identities in an attempt to rescue them. However, this is a one-sided bargain, and as a result, enablers often find themselves consumed by resentment, loneliness, and cynicism.
Learn About Addiction:
The more you comprehend addiction, the more effectively you can offer objective support to your loved one. Unfortunately, there are numerous misconceptions about addiction, including the belief that:
– Willpower alone is sufficient to overcome addiction.
– Forcing someone into treatment is ineffective.
– Hitting rock bottom is the only impetus for seeking help.
– Abstinence is the sole path to recovery.
– A particular person, place, or thing is responsible for the addiction.
Educating yourself on these topics can be immensely beneficial. This knowledge can be acquired through seminars, reading materials, attending meetings, or engaging in therapy.
If you are a family member, it’s crucial to recognize that many professionals consider addiction a family disease. This perspective suggests that each family member plays a role in perpetuating the addiction. Therefore, recovery is most effective when everyone acknowledges their part in enabling problematic behavior.
Seek Healthy Support:
Peer support groups such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or Codependents Anonymous provide invaluable resources and connections for loved ones grappling with the challenges of addiction. Both these groups offer regular meetings where you can learn from like-minded individuals and gain a deeper understanding of addiction.
Participation in these groups is not mandatory; you can attend meetings to simply listen and observe. However, many individuals benefit from sharing their stories, connecting with peers, reading relevant literature, and working with a sponsor.
Communicate with Your Loved One:
Establishing boundaries is only effective if you can enforce them. As difficult as it may be, it is your responsibility to communicate your expectations with your loved one. If you haven’t already voiced your concerns, it’s essential to find a neutral time to express your feelings honestly. Be forthright but gentle. Your emotions are valid, and there is no need to hide or downplay them.
In your conversations, focus on conveying how you feel without resorting to accusations, blame, or attacks on your loved one for their undesirable behavior. Accusations can lead to defensiveness or denial, hindering productive dialogue.
Cease Making Excuses and Covering Up Undesirable Behavior
Undoubtedly, you worry about how the consequences of addiction will affect your loved one. This concern may lead you to deny, rationalize, or create excuses for their actions. It may also drive you to “fix” problems to shield your loved one from additional stressors.
These enabling behaviors need to stop. It is not your role to be a constant caregiver or guardian of their behavior. If you struggle with this concept, understand that facing certain consequences can often be the catalyst for change. If your loved one never experiences adverse consequences, what motivation do they have to alter their behavior?
Establish Financial Boundaries:
Regardless of how you look at it, addiction is costly. Financing a habit that is not your own can be financially devastating. You have every right to set financial limits. If you’ve been providing your credit card or bank account information recklessly, there is a good chance your loved one has been taking advantage of your financial support. This behavior does not benefit anyone.
Instead, contemplate what your financial boundaries should look like. There is no one-size-fits-all solution, but you might want to consider the following limits:
– Refusing to cover any legal expenses, including lawyer fees, tickets, or fines resulting from their addiction.
– Demanding rent or other appropriate contributions if your loved one still resides with you.
– Restricting or withholding money from your loved one if they are actively using
substances.
Discuss Treatment Options
You undoubtedly want nothing more than for your loved one to seek help for their addiction. If your loved one acknowledges their problem and is willing to pursue treatment, support their decision wholeheartedly. But what if they aren’t willing to seek help voluntarily?
Interventions
In some cases, you may need to consider staging an intervention to convey both your emotions and your boundaries. A successful intervention requires each participant to articulate their expectations for change and list the consequences if the addict chooses not to seek help.
Interventions should be approached with utmost seriousness. If you cannot follow through with the boundaries you set, your words will lose their significance. Do not resort to this method unless you are prepared to deal with whatever outcome unfolds.
Enabling During Treatment
Even if your loved one enters treatment, it’s vital to continue caring for yourself during this time. Addicts can remain highly manipulative while in treatment. They may make demands, such as requesting money, or threaten to leave or relapse if their expectations are not met.
Having your own support network during this period is advisable. You can also seek guidance from your loved one’s treatment team, who can offer advice on providing support without enabling their addiction.
Putting an end to enabling behaviors can be an arduous journey, but it is crucial for both your well-being and your loved one’s recovery. By following these comprehensive steps, you can provide genuine support while breaking free from the cycle of enabling their addiction.
